Loss

Last week I lost a grandfather, not one i was particularly close to. I knew who he was but we hadn't spoke in about 5 years and I haven't talked to any of the family on that side with the exception of his ex daughter in law and her son in about 5 years either. I'm not exactly what was the real cause of the breakdown of communication but his wife, not my grandmother contributed to it. Actually what happened was that her daughter called my mother's house and verbally attacked my sister and stepfather. It was incredibly rude of anyone to do that, but that's what happens when people think they're entitled to run roughshod over other people. They act rude, they're spiteful and jealous and insecure makes you wonder sometimes. Anyway moving on.

When he passed away, I had a lot going on and honestly I still do but I felt like I should feel some sense of loss but I didn't, I felt nothing. Then I felt guilty like somehow made me a bad person that I didn't feel anything, but I talked to my mom about it and she made a lot of sense how its ok to feel a loss about the relationship we could have had but never did but not feeling anything now that he was gone was kind of normal given the nonrelationship we really had. We were always made to feel second rate- second best, like we didn't matter. My mother was his first daughter, her brother her first son. Yet, they had little to no relationship most of her entire life.

Its rather complicated but my grandmother had 5 kids that lived, one that died. Only 3 were my grandfathers, the 3rd child a girl was stillborn. The other 3 children had a different father as my grandmother moved on after my grandfather left her. They didn't get divorced for many years later, mainly because a lawyer told my grandfather that since he and my nan were still married she could have taken everything from them considering in the eyes of the court she was still his legal spouse.

Anyway, all the entire thing does is make me miss my grandmother more, I'm not saying she was without fault, she wasn't. We had a very rocky relationship but the last 6 years of her life were a complete change from that, we mended a lot of hurt. I loved her, and losing my grandfather even though I never really knew him, makes me miss her more. I still get upset sometimes that she's gone, it'll be 4 years in June and it feels like it was just yesterday.

Last night, I lost my uncle, my dad's brother. That side of the family was always close, and possibly before the summer is out I'll lose another uncle from that side of the family. That will make for 3 brothers who've passed on. First, my uncle Steve, now my uncle Tom and possibly my uncle Lawrence soon enough. He has cancer through out and I'm not sure if radiation will help or not. Its sad.

I've realized that i need to take some time for me. I need a break from it all. That's what I'm going to do. I need to recuperate without negative people in my life etc, so how to do this still remains a mystery. Oh well. At least I have the friends I know who care.