The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

blows the dust off

2011-12-04T18:34:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I have updated here. Things are different now. My husband is actually here in Canada with me and has been for some time. I am working in my profession as a social worker and happy to be doing so.

I am having difficulties with remaining friends with someone. Its not even so much that we're friends, we're more like acquaintances and often when she posts her views on things such as homosexuality and racism etc I often question myself on why I am even in this persons life. This is not about her views, she has a right to feel as she does as I have a right to feel safe in my space. While I disagree wholeheartedly with her opinions I cannot tell her or anyone they don't have the right to hold them.

I am just wondering if I am wrong. I know what my best friend is going to tell me to do. Do what makes me happy, make my space safe for me and those I really care about. I don't believe in the if you're friends/know someone who is prejudice you're just as bad gambit because sometimes the prejudice does not come from malice but from ignorance. Questions that I must answer myself I guess.

Lots of thoughts tumbling around.

2010-09-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Often we laminate about the state of affairs of the youth of today, that they are going downhill, with corrupt behavior, rudeness, lack of aim, lack of ambition, unwilling to work etc. In the USA in Arizona there's been issues with new rules regarding immigration and people being able to essentially be harassed at official's choosing. Given the state of affairs you'd think teenagers wouldn't care about it.

Not the case though. A few weeks ago my sister, and a family friend went to see Despicable Me at the theatres. The other movie being shown was the Expendables. Which features a guest spot by Arnold Schwarzenegger who as we all know is an immigrant. SO! To my point, a group of teenagers roughly about 15 of them walk out of the theatre as both movies let out the same time conversing about the immigration policies and how hypocritical they find his stance and statements that he has so far issued. I was surprised, and I'm glad I was.

Not all hope is lost. There are still teenagers and young adults who know where they're going, how they're going to get there and what they want to do. It makes me happy, it goes to show that critical thinking is not dead and that people can be honestly reflective. Its a hope, its a thread of something. If only more would flock to it, and be apart of it.

Haiti

2010-01-20T12:52:00.001-08:00

As most of the world is aware by now, Haiti last week was hit by a devstating earthquake, destroying the capital of the country leaving behind victims, mourners, the dead and rubble. Imagine, being in your bed suddenly to awaken and feel your building structure collasping on top of you, or pulling yourself out of alive just to see dead bodies strewn around you as more devstation occurs.

How do you come back from? There are some schools of thought that giving aid in times like these is wrong because "our" countries need it more etc, however you have to look at where this money is coming from. Is it being taken out of your health care system? Are you being taxed for it?

the answer is more then likely no. Most countries budget for such emergencies. Here's my take on it. Stop being ignorant on subjects you know nothing about. If you want to know, learn it.

I am just shocked at people's level of ignorance, intolerance and racism. then again maybe i'm not.

Life or something like it

2010-01-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

I really need to keep updating this thing because its somewhat of a release to use a medium where no one really knows me, except for those who know about this blog which are few and far inbetween.

I get irritated easily with people all the time, and often get frustrated to the point where I wish they'd disappear all together. Note, by disappear I mean go away and not be in range of my hearing/sight not like you know vanish. Anyway its just...argh I don't know.

I need to make a better more coherent entry when i have the time, right now I need to get ready for school and print some shit out. I'm ready for a nap or some such thing.

Why?

2009-11-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

Do some people think that the world revolves around them? For that matter, that everyone has to agree with everything that they say/do?

I'm sorry, I'm an adult, I respect people but I'm not going to say I agree with something if I don't agree with it. People need to just grow up, its ridiculous how catty, immature and petty some people are. Especially how hypocritical they are with their 'you can't do this attitude' yet turn right around and do it themselves.

Its really starting to wear on me.

Frustrated

2009-07-04T16:19:00.001-07:00

People should probably be wise to remember the world it does not revolve around them solely, but that's it when you deal with people who are immature idiots.

Life moves on

2009-05-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

I've started my new job, missing my husband like crazy, felt like writing but the feeling seems to have passed somewhat.

I'm freezing, but that might have been the ice cubes I just finished munching on. I'm just tired, and want to be un-tired that'd be swell.

Happiness to all.

Twilight

2009-05-06T04:54:00.000-07:00

I read the book in the last 2 days so its somewhat fresh in my mind. Honestly, its ok. I didn't hate or loathe it but neither am I super caught up in it. I enjoyed the last part more so then the beginning and middle because I felt that it was more well written then the other 2 parts. It starts off rather slow, Bella is annoying, Edward is creepy and then Bella all of a sudden turns into an even more annoying um for lack of a better word git.

Its completely unrealistic, and vampires do not sparkle damn it. Its like Stephanie Meyer thought hrm I'll take a perfectly good legend and ruin it! But by the end of the book Emmet and the plot makes you sort of forget that part. I can live with the going without the human blood, the being out in the day light, but the whole sparkle thing pisses me off to no end. I'm sorry but vampires are not cute and cuddly unless they're Angel and Spike TVYM. I think that's probably part of the issue. I've got Buffy stuck in my head, and everyone hyped up the Twilight books like the 2nd coming of Christ and to be honest they're ok, but they're not super omg fab in my opinion. Everyone is allowed to have a different opinion. That's what makes life so great, its pretty bad in my opinion when someone has to censor herself to avoid getting yelled at. I'm not really sure why people cannot be adult about things and realize that not everyone is going to agree one hundred percent of the time, it doesn't make anyone's opinion more or less valid, its just what holds true for themselves.

I guess that's part of what my mentally taking a break from things is about, but I have a couple of people who know what's going on so that's a good thing :) Should go now and finish doing what I started at 9am.

Mental Health

2009-05-06T04:49:00.000-07:00

I don't just mean when its problematic as in mental health problems such as depression among other things, I just mean exhaustion, stress, burnout etc.

several things have been causing this lately, so I'm going to step away from them so to speak. Just for awhile. I need to work some things out.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony- I also need to remember and I truly am happy in my life. I love my husband, my family, friends, but I need to bring myself back into focus and harmony and I haven't been doing that.

Time for stress relief yoga, and walking and everything else. Sugar free has definitely been a way to go for me personally. We'll see what else happens from here on out.

Karma

2009-04-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

What do you think it means?

It does not mean that someone you dislike will automatically have cosmic bad luck because you dislike them, that's naive and ridiculous to think. It is when someone deliberately hurts others for their own gain or amusement and karma is when something happens to them that is sort of like a cosmic slap to the face, or else that's how I view it.

One thing, whose to say what you're upset about is even legitimate? Because you say so? Right, were the world that we'd be in a helluva lot worse state that we're in now. Natural law, can never exist mainly for this reason. People cannot rationally think of punishment 'fitting' enough for someone they feel has wronged them.

On that note, do people do things without consequences? Sometimes they do and they continually do so because they have the emotional maturity of a blueberry, though that's rather insulting to the blueberry anyway. But people have this habit of feeling wronged and feeling like people get off with it, but what are they getting off with exactly.

They, those who hurt people for the sole reason they can't handle things like a mature adult would and they're vindictive. Why is it, that they don't ever seemingly get their just desserts? I like to think that they do.

They're cruel, make fun of others, and put others down to bring themselves up, that in its self is enough sometimes, because they're obviously unhappy in their lives so they need to make themselves feel better by being for lack of a better word bitchy. That applies to both sexes by the way, its only societal norms that have us saying bitchy is strictly for females. No, men can be bitchy too.

I'm just tired of people I guess, Karma will give them a cosmic slap at one time or another, I don't need to do it, which is why I rarely waste time hating, or even actively disliking people. There's no point to it, people who do nothing but bring others down are a waste of space, and don't deserve a second thought.

The only reason this blog is being written is because someone has hurt me recently with being immature, malicious and decided to involve others into it, which to me is dumb. You have an issue, don't be passive aggressive, be an adult that you so claim to be. Anyway that's it from me, this person deserves no further mention. They will do as they wish, intrepet as they wish that's up to them. But I'm down censoring myself so they won't get their feelings hurt. If they can't be smart enough to know that not every comment or statement I make revolves around them, well that's their issue. If they're immature enough to bitch about it behind my back instead of my face that's their issue as well. I can't make someone grow up, but I'm done trying to be something I'm not just to spare their feelings.

Loss

2009-03-31T09:46:00.000-07:00

Last week I lost a grandfather, not one i was particularly close to. I knew who he was but we hadn't spoke in about 5 years and I haven't talked to any of the family on that side with the exception of his ex daughter in law and her son in about 5 years either. I'm not exactly what was the real cause of the breakdown of communication but his wife, not my grandmother contributed to it. Actually what happened was that her daughter called my mother's house and verbally attacked my sister and stepfather. It was incredibly rude of anyone to do that, but that's what happens when people think they're entitled to run roughshod over other people. They act rude, they're spiteful and jealous and insecure makes you wonder sometimes. Anyway moving on.

When he passed away, I had a lot going on and honestly I still do but I felt like I should feel some sense of loss but I didn't, I felt nothing. Then I felt guilty like somehow made me a bad person that I didn't feel anything, but I talked to my mom about it and she made a lot of sense how its ok to feel a loss about the relationship we could have had but never did but not feeling anything now that he was gone was kind of normal given the nonrelationship we really had. We were always made to feel second rate- second best, like we didn't matter. My mother was his first daughter, her brother her first son. Yet, they had little to no relationship most of her entire life.

Its rather complicated but my grandmother had 5 kids that lived, one that died. Only 3 were my grandfathers, the 3rd child a girl was stillborn. The other 3 children had a different father as my grandmother moved on after my grandfather left her. They didn't get divorced for many years later, mainly because a lawyer told my grandfather that since he and my nan were still married she could have taken everything from them considering in the eyes of the court she was still his legal spouse.

Anyway, all the entire thing does is make me miss my grandmother more, I'm not saying she was without fault, she wasn't. We had a very rocky relationship but the last 6 years of her life were a complete change from that, we mended a lot of hurt. I loved her, and losing my grandfather even though I never really knew him, makes me miss her more. I still get upset sometimes that she's gone, it'll be 4 years in June and it feels like it was just yesterday.

Last night, I lost my uncle, my dad's brother. That side of the family was always close, and possibly before the summer is out I'll lose another uncle from that side of the family. That will make for 3 brothers who've passed on. First, my uncle Steve, now my uncle Tom and possibly my uncle Lawrence soon enough. He has cancer through out and I'm not sure if radiation will help or not. Its sad.

I've realized that i need to take some time for me. I need a break from it all. That's what I'm going to do. I need to recuperate without negative people in my life etc, so how to do this still remains a mystery. Oh well. At least I have the friends I know who care.

Shallowness

2009-03-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

What is the actual defintion of shallow?

For me, personally, I find when someone throws around how much they have/make/to get constantly it becomes grating and wearing. You know its ok to be excited to have new things or something you haven't had before but when you are telling people look at me how much money i have all the time? Well from people I've talked to that gets to people. There are a couple of people who I know who do this, though their reasons are insecurity and thinking material things buy happiness when it doesn't.

Honestly, as long as I have enough to eat, roof over my head and my husband/family/friends I'm more then happy I'm rich, but not in monetary ways. Money isn't everything, I firmly believe that, and I'm tired of others being put down for not having enough or not 'good enough' while those with money consider themselves above the rest.

You should never make others feel bad about the fact that they make less then you, and that's a general you not you to whoever is reading this, considering how some people overreact more then's necessary. Anyway happiness I firmly believe is a journey not a destination.

I'm happy, I have my health, my hubby and my family and friends. I've also learned that the material things in life are not important, they are fleeting, coming and going at random intervals, what matters is the memories you make with people that you can hold in your heart, that you think about when times are tough.

Family is important.

Rest in Peace Uncle Tom.

Stress

2009-03-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

You know we all have stresses and outside factors that influence things. I've forgotten a lot that I was thinking about/how I was feeling last semester in the midst of all the stress. But the book the 4 agreements has brought me back to the reality of how I want to live my life. In all the pettiness of other people I'd forgotten this. I need to live my life for me, not for anyone else, not about anyone but for me.

the 4 agreements is a book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The first agreement is Be Impeccable with you word which Ruiz states is the hardest one to honor sometimes but also the most important. It is basically your bond for the things in life that you are attached to and concerned about. Also it shows people how you can stick to something and not break your word on it. So if you make a decision then backtrack on it, I guess you're not very impeccable with your word. I am trying to be better about this. I'll probably make a list of things I want to work on personally then post it for me to see only. Most everything on this journal is open but something like that will be kept private.

The second agreement is don't take anything personally. This pretty much means learning to let things roll off your back. That people's realities and perceptions are their own and rarely have anything to do with anyone else. Therefore don't take the poision that people toss at you. That's what they want. They want to make you hurt, to injure you and to make themselves feel better. However, they're being shallow, selfish and narrow minded. You don't need this in your life, and if you cut people like this out of your life then you'll be better off and they will be left to flounder and learn to navigate life without giving injury to people.

The third agreement is Don't Make Assumptions- Seems very straight forward yet everyone does it all the time. They put their own meaning on things whether or not that was the original intended meaning. When you make assumptions you are assuming they are real whether or not in reality they are or not. When you do this you're just making an ass of yourself, seems people do that more often then not these days.

The Fourth Agreement is Always do Your best- which sounds pretty simple but isn't a lot of the time. In always doing your best you have to make an agreement with yourself and do what you feel needs to be done for yourself.

These are the things that I need to remember in life, not to worry about selfish/shallow people who try to bring me down by being judgemental and hypocritical. I don't need people like that in my life, I know this. Also, not to take personally what people say- my reality is the one that I create. If people want to be a certain way they're entitled I just don't have to listen to their BS. To always do my best and to be impeccable with my word.

I guess that's where my list comes in again. I work better with lists, I can lay out what I want, and just cross it off as I go. Sounds easy, but can be somewhat difficult for me. I let stress get to me too easily. Time to get to work!

Update

2009-03-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm really bad at keeping this thing updated regularly but I'm trying. Right now school is hectic because I have 3 things left to do and have 3 weeks in which to do them, though 2 of the things are due on the 1st and 2nd of April. So Really I have a week and change. EEK!

Anyway not much going on with me, some stressful situations that I haven't felt like talking about really with anyone but my husband. No offense to anyone but I'm just not in the talking mood right now. Honestly I'm exhausted and would love to pass out right about now so I can snooooooze. But I am at Andrea's bunnysitting.

Will be returning home shortly though.

2009-02-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

By Regina Brett
The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

He's just not that into you

2009-02-14T21:55:00.000-08:00

*warning there will be spoilers talked about*

Anyway I enjoyed the movie, I went with my friend Patti who i've known since I was 11, that's a long time to know someone or at least I like to think so. Anyway we saw that movie and Push, and I will talk about one at a time.

the part about the cheating, that really pissed me off, it did. I also hate how the characters felt like they were blameless because they were in 'lust' when in reality the cheating spouse was a miserable bastard who was self absorbed and absolutely did not deserve his spouse, but oh boy at the end when she kicked his cheating ass out I was happy.

Another part of the movie had to do with Jennifer Aniston/Ben Affleck's characters, she wants marriage and he feels like the commit they've made is good enough, well they break up but one of her sisters is getting married. She has 3 other sisters all who are married and so they go through with the wedding and her dad gets sick, and she's trying to take care of the house, her father, the place is an absolute pig sty there's hardly any food in the house and her three brother in laws are pigs. So she's coming downstairs and asks the guys if they bought food when they say no they've ordered take out and then she turns around to a previously dirty kitchen having been spotlessly scrubbed by her ex. Yeah they get back together.

But here's the thing, that is my husband. He wouldn't be concerning himself with a football or being an asshole, he'd actually be helping me, comforting me and doing whatever it was that needed doing. People don't always find that, but I have, I'm really lucky.

A relationship has to be able to grow, and the 2 people in the relationship has to be able to grow, its about understanding each other's needs and wants, and being able to deliver them in whatever fashion is deemed necessary. Its also about 2 people being committed to one another and to making it work. The responsibility of the relationship does not fall to just one person but both. I'm really not kidding when I say the relationship is something like a job. It really does take two people and it really does take a lot of work.

You can't make a relationship work when you're doing it by yourself. My husband tried that with his first main ex that broke his heart and ripped it out and stomped on it for good measure. But like I've told him he was more committed to that relationship then she was. This past Christmas we were talking about something and he told me that I was the first relationship he was in where it was about him too and not only me. See to me that's not a good thing, and if your relationship isn't steady then maybe its kind of shallow.

Anyway over all I just love my husband. He's the best.

An AJ inspired post

2009-02-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

We were talking about the reasons why I blog here and am more free with my thoughts then why I don't blog the same way on LJ.

There are several reasons for this, here I never censor myself, there I do. There's a basic level of comfort here that I miss with my LJ because people are so easily offended with what you write sometimes even when its the truth of how you see things.

For instances, had I wrote the post I wrote last night in my blog in my lj, i would have been messaged all to pieces about how I'm talking about so and so or how if I had such an issue then I could have spoken to them privately (AJ's words!) and she's right.

People have this impression that the world and however they view it is all about them which isn't true. Its not, my world shouldn't revolve around other people and vice versa, but it does and why is that?

Because we're all totally afraid of being honest with one another, mainly because we don't want to offend people, but ok but there comes a time and place where censorship has to end. *shrug* I don't know maybe I'm just talking around in circles about something that will never ever end.

Makes one wonder...

2009-02-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

How well you really know someone and how well they really know you. In reality we only know each other as well as we allow ourselves to get close with others.

There are friends who I've had for awhile and i'm trying to remember if I have them as friends because we're still compatible or because they're a comfort because they're there. I still haven't 100% decided but I know the answers I am leaning towards.

I wonder how many people would get offended if they read this? I do know one thing, I know that AJ is a true friend, that Jared and Erin are as well, and that Jenni is now that she's grown up a lot in the last 6 years or so. I know that Daphne is as well, because I talk to her randomly and she never makes me feel bad about stuff.

I am not the most tactful person, or at least with those I feel close to but I still let people walk ovre me often times, especially when they're friends. and I've cut one toxic friendship out of my life already and could be willing to do it again if the occasion arose.

But I think those who were once friends are now friendly to friendly acquiantices. or something. Its given me a lot to think about.

2009-02-11T07:12:00.001-08:00

Cranky plus

2009-01-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've been tired today, cranky, figured a nap would help. It didn't. Not at all.

My husband came to visit me for a week and didn't get his luggage after much running around came to find out that his luggage has been downstairs at the front desk all along. *headdesk*

It took my mother calling to find out what the hell had happened to it because they kept giving us the run around. Air Canada said the luggage company had it and it would be delivered, then the luggage company said that Air Canada hadn't released it yet and then they said that they couldn't pick it up until Air Canada called and made contact with my husband. Come to find out that the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

Heck, the left hand didn't even know what the left hand was doing. So its made me rather cranky at the moment, on top of feeling stressed about school and not eating properly which definitely doesn't help it hasn't been a good day. We went to see Gran Torino tonight which I will post about in a seperate entry when I am not so freaking tired.

Thoughts

2009-01-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

So its been months since I've written here, not that I've forgotten just that I've been extremely busy with schoolwork among other things.

Alot has been going on that I will perhaps update about at a later time. Just wanted to blow dust off this thing.

Unfiltered

2008-11-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why I feel like I can't speak my opinion or share my beliefs with certain groups of people but I can't. I censor myself in some ways as not to cause waves, but maybe I'm done. I don't know. That's yet to be decided. But not many people know about this outlet and it is absolutely refreshing not having to censor myself so everyone will be 'happy'. Their status quo will remain balanced in their previous worlds without ever having given a thought to what their behaviors and actions are saying about them.

I'm sure everyone has been following US politics and by now know that Obama has been named President elect, which is fantastic, its absolutely wonderful that this achievement occurred in my lifetime, however I am sadden for several reasons, the main one being that people's prejudice is showing. I have a lot of friends who are American, but are so self-absorbed that they cannot see past themselves. They re-inforce the stereotype of Americans that are viewed by the world. That Americans are selfish, self absorbed, think of no one but themselves and think that the world begins and ends with America.

I do believe, and I do so hope that Barak Obama will revolutionalize the way Americans view themselves and the world and how the world views Americans. I believe it is important that the image of US the Bully, be replaced. With what, I do not know, but I know that many people that I have spoken to, that I have read view it this way. I do not believe it was their intention with this, I believe JFK, though before my time would have done the same. I've heard Barak compared to JFK, and I believe that finally the day has come where what the beliefs of JFK, MLK jr, to be realized. That I have a dream, is more then a speech, it is reality.

Am I foolish to think that there will be no obstacles? No, of course I know there are going to be, however McCain graciously in some people's opinion and wasn't gracious in others about admitting defeat and not dragging this out. He was gracious loser, in my opinion and I mean loser in the sense that he did not win, nothing about him personally. Because here's the rub, I liked McCain, I did.

He wasn't a bad guy, nor do I believe that he was the best guy, however for me, what did it was his electing to take Sarah Palin, to the second highest power in the United States of America, that woman scares the crap out of me, and I am not afraid to admit it. Her lack of knowledge, coupled with her left of centre or right of centre beliefs and not minding tramping over womans rights, scares me. Should anything have happened to McCain, this would have been our president. That, more then anything I believe whole heartedly lost McCain the election. I know of diehard republicans who voted for Obama because of her, but also because some of the military have been disgruntled about his signing a US flag, not to mention his always talking about being a prisoner of war, which I don't think did any wonders really for his campaign.

However it bothers me that people have harped on the fact that he apparently assaulted a woman who was working on something to do with POW, now, I am not an expert but I read the reports that were posted, and as he had been a prisoner of war, honestly I believe he was triggered, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does not have a timer where it magically cuts off after a certain period. There are always going to be possible triggers, at any given time, depending on what is going on. I do believe that he should have apologized which I am not certain he did, but I do not believe that it should have been used as a basis why not to vote for him.

I am disheartened to see so many people parroting propaganda spread by Sarah Palin and her cronies with her rallies. I do believe that McCain tried to keep on track with issues, and not to slander Obama as much as she did and he deserves applause for that. Anyway back to the issues, because I rant, a lot.

I'm sad, to see that in the 21st century that hate, bigotry, racism, discrimination and prejudice is so alive and well. It is also saddening to see how some people view that because this is the 21st century that it doesn't exist anymore. That would be false. It does exist, white privilege exists, and I do believe that's why people are scared of Obama being president, not because he will change things but how that change will affect the 'betters' of society and I use those terms lightly, no one is better then any other but that's how people view themselves.

We're not a master race, we're all in this together, on this earth, trying to get through it all. Why does it matter if someone is gay, wants to be married? Or adopt children? A person no matter of their sexual orientation is capable of loving or hurting a child, being gay does not mean child molester. It means, that their orientation is different and that they some of the same sex, this is not a horribly bad thing. The prop's that passed supporting the oppression of gay rights, I do not believe should have, but I believe that in some places that the race was close, that people tried, and failed. I believe that we should continue trying until we succeed.

It shouldn't matter that someone is black, native, chinese, japanese, it shouldn't matter where you are from, all that should matter is the kind of person you are. I respect people on a basic level and I'm polite, I have many friends who are culturally, and ethnically different then I, but I love them for it, I love learning about how they view the world, and why shouldn't I? Isn't difference is what's celebrated? If that's the case, then why are so many people discriminated against.

We have a long way to go, and we're not as progressed as people like to think we are, there's a lot to learn.

For all the advancements of the 21st century, the things that have not changed is that we still kill each and often, that we still hate on one another and pass judgements, we're not truly free, until we're all free of oppression. It exists, its out there, and its alive and well, just because you cannot 'see' it, doesn't mean its not alive and well and thriving.

Perhaps with the message of change, will come actual change. I really, do not know. I can only hope, that people will open their minds and their hearts and will love one another not because they fit in with their ideas necessarily but because they're simply just people with perhaps different beliefs or ideals.

There are people who will disagree and believe that we are a loving society, but we're not. Oppression is still alive and well, its out there, it is. I know I've said this before, but it needs to be re-iterated, it does.

Politics

2008-09-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am going to talk about that dreaded topic *gasp*

I am Canadian, yes, I know. I'm well aware, and as some of you may know I'm married to an American, so that gives me a vested interest in both countries politics. Actually to be truthful, I had a vest interest before that, everyone should. The USA is quite involved with our economy in a lot of ways as we well learned when we suffered terribly in a few markets when the US economy/dollar went to crap.

Last night was the presidential debate. I watched it, all of it. With an open mind no less, yes I'm sure that's a novelty since drawing sides in politics is a tradition that goes back years. However I believe that we lose something when we party vote, that we block out good things about both candidates whom ever they may be. I vote for the person, not which party he happens to be representing.

Here are my thoughts.

McCain, played the Prisoner of War card too much, he dropped it every chance he could, I hated that he brought the Kennedy's into the debate with announcing Senator Kennedy's visit to hospital, I felt like it was a low blow, way below McCain's normal standards. I felt like McCain is trying to use the platform that Obama doesn't have very much experience when his running mate is Sarah Palin who makes me CRINGE.

Obama, was well spoken and many critics agree that he took this debate, because he spoke more on the issues, rather then McCain seemed to be doing, and gave better answers, however I didn't like the way that it seemed that he wasn't prepared, the ah's, um's get to me after awhile. Though i am sure it was part nervousness on his part, and I also didn't like how he didn't have a concentrete answer on what he would have to put on hold to put the American Economy back together.

What I did like, was the fact that both McCain and Obama were polite to each other, they didn't bring insults into it, they kept to the facts at hand, the questions and may have attacked each others plans of attack for office but did not attack each other. I think the questioner whose name I can never remember felt like they weren't talking to each other. I felt like they were trying to respectful, and to be honest while I don't like things about both candidates I felt like I was actually hearing them speak about the issues rather then about each other.

I didn't like the fact that McCain seemed to shy away from Bush, yes we realize what a terrible 8 years its been, we all realize that things haven't gone the way everyone imagined it etc, however I didn't like all the I'm not with Bush waving he did last night either. I felt like he was trying to say Obama has changed his mind on so many issues when I'm sure McCain has done the same thing a number of times. Especially in regards to agreeing with the president. So why all of a sudden is it that he's backing away?

For one, I think he's doing it because he wants to let republicans know that he's not with him on a lot of issues now, to get their votes, its what politicans do, so don't get your knickers in a twist if you're reading this. As Smallwood once said, a politican job is to elected, his second job is to get re-elected. I can understand his haste on the I'm not with the president etc, however I wish he'd tone it down. I really do. I'm glad that McCain is recognizing the issues that are at hand mostly and saying you what we need to stop this crazy spending. FINALLY! Though Obama says the same thing, however I think that Obama wants to persue change in a different venue.

Ok, let's talk about running mates, what you knew it was coming. Sarah Palin vs Beau Biden, oh boy off comes the kids gloves.

Ok, McCain says Obama is too green to be president, yet thinks is an awesome idea to have Sarah Palin has his running mate. She'll be taking over the country should anything happen to McCain. If McCain does win, I'm willing to bet that there will be people praying all over the world that nothing happens to him so they don't have to deal with her. Honestly, dont' say hey obama you too green and then parade about your running mate as your partner who has less experience then Obama.

I literally don't enough about Beau Biden, but I'm willing to bet that McCain's camp thought that Hilary Clinton was going to be his running mate, it would have been the unbeatable ticket, you think I'm kidding, but I'm really not. Makes you wonder why Palin was chosen, when there are so many more capable candidates that McCain could have chosen from.

Personally I believe Obama misdirected the Republicans when his well publicized visits to the Clintons were played all over the news, I believe that he never intended to have Hilary as his running partner but he fooled the Republicans into believing that he was thinking extremely hard about it. I think Obama wants to run on his own merits and not on the coattails in any way of either Clinton. However on that same note, its funny that I think that when Oprah has been so involved with his campaign.

I don't know, honestly, I can't vote, I'm Canadian, however I am just as worried about the turnout as my husband is. Though I'm probably more so, I come from a political family, I know all about politics, i'm quite steeped in it so I do know what I'm talking about. Canadian economy suffered, not as much as the American economy when the dollar dropped, we've rebounded and started vesting our interests elsewhere but they're still our neighbours.

Things are going to get tough on the road ahead, and I don't just mean with the election either, the economy needs to rebound, needs to be bailed out and safe guards need to be put in place so that it doesn't happen again. Its scary to hear that another great depression is on the horizon, people are disbelieving its even possible, but it is. Think about it, think about things, open your mind, and look at the facts and issues.

Honestly, I am hoping for I'm not sure what, I like McCain, I don't liken him to GWB like some do, I really don't. I just wasn't as impressed with his talking as I was with Obama. Though I am sure, that I will change my mind on that as further debating takes place. The country needs a change, that much is certain, and big changes and big things are about to happen. So you better strap in.

Military.

2008-09-27T10:07:00.001-07:00

I'm technically no longer a military spouse in the strictest sense of the word. My husband got out over a year ago and is now making the efforts to go back in. He's a good man, he's decent, he's loyal, he's trusting, he's honest and he loves me and I love him. One of the key things we've learned in our years together is that when it comes to be in a relationship that communication is you betcha key.

As my years of being a military spouse, i've learned a lot of things. Actually I should correct that because you don't need to be a spouse of the military to be a part of that, but I am talking more in depth starting now about military marriage. Probably a taboo subject to some but right now I'm feeling pretty pissed off about a lot of things so this going to be one of those honest posts that if the wrong people read will get me bitched out.

However, I'm comforted by the fact that I really don't give a fuck.

There are a lot of military stereotypes, some women fit them, some don't. However one of things that I take issue with is how some people are so immature in their military relationship. The word divorce seems to get tossed around like some people breathe air. I'm sorry, perhaps I was expecting too much from people who are married. I'm not talking age here either, I'm really not. I know 20 year olds with as much maturity as 40 years etc, I am talking maturity.

There's a huge difference. Honestly, I feel like in my encounters with some military spouses note, I'm not saying all, they get married for the simple fact of being 'together' and BAH while one of them is deployed or whatever. That's not a reason to get married, yes I'm sure that you love him and that you feel like your world is going to end without him, or her depending on which spouse is military. But, ask yourself is this really love or is it the idea of him being gone and not being able to talk to him that you find so appealing.

Here's what i've noticed in my time as a military spouse. 1) People get married so quickly being military that they don't take the time to know each other, they don't take the time to communicate their wants and needs to each other. When they are back together, they immediately find out that they're incompatiable and cry the word divorce 2) People don't learn how to live together, at all. When you're a military spouse this usually a good indication that you're going to be spending a significant amount of time on your own in a lot of different ways. Be flexible, understand that your spouse isn't trying to ruin the way you do things, they have their own way too. Doesn't make it wrong because they differ from your perceived rightness. 3) Maturity lvls play a big factor in a marriage, I'm a firm believer, if you're immature and married not so great, if both are the same you're screwed.

You have to learn how to communicate effectively, to stop blaming everything on being military. It really boils my blood how people use the excuse that I'm lonely as justification for doing BS things like cheating or fucking up their relationships. It is not an excuse, if you're lonely guess what tell your spouse! You don't cheat because you get lonely, you learn to deal with it effectively by being a grown up.

You don't throw around the word divorce everytime it suits your whim, you learn that marriage is hard, being in a military marriage is 100x harder sometimes, but you learn that it can work, that it does work and you learn that you have to let go of the childish oneupmanship to accomplish that, you learn about compromise and how to do that.

I'm sick and tired of these types of military spouses making it bad for the rest of us, we love our husbands, we communicate effectively. We learn how to make sacrifices and how to live with the day to day of not knowing how next week is going to be. We learn that life is all about the things that are happening now, and living in the moment.

Anything can happen, anything at all, its amazing that some people still don't grasp that, cherish waht you have today for it might be gone tomorrow.

Refreshing

2008-08-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

Gamer Widow

2008-08-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Its a relatively new word in terms of addiction. How does one exactly get to be a gaming widow? Normally, it has to do with when a person feels abandoned by their partner because of video games. I realize that people don't hold this as a valid addiction nor do they believe that the situations widows find themselves in are truly that bad. They also sometimes believe that if they're in that situation they can magically click their fingers and be out of it. It doesn't work that way. Not at all.

If you need to an example try to imagine a woman or man whose being abused. Physically, emotionally, what have you. They've spent 10 years with this person, are emotionally invested in the relationship and their lives, they have kids together and all the while the person knows something is wrong yet they can't get out of it. They stick to the same situation over and over, first because they believe the person will change, then because they fool themselves into thinking that their relationship is healthy. Then its because of the children but little by little the persons sense of self slowly starts to slip away. Eventually they're left empty, bitter and broken.

This is very similar to how a gamer widow feels a lot of the time. MMORPG's are a wave of the future, and for a lot of people its a scary future. Multi Massive Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG'S) are basically a bunch of children, men, women playing the same game, at the same time all over the world. The allure of it, is that you can roll any character you want for some games, you can be anything or anyone that you want to be. So if you're a 400 pound person unhappy in life, these games can offer an escape. If you're unhappy at work, at home, anywhere games can offer an escape.

While a person hygiene, welfare, job, and family suffers, they rarely if ever truly notice the impact of their gaming habits. Families fall apart, jobs are lost and the relationship between parent and child becomes broken and strained. Some people can recover, they give up their game of choice, they re-integrate themselves back into their family before its too late and relationships that were once broken, now start to be mended.

As much literature as there is on gambling, alcohol, drug and other addictions, gaming is fairly new and has often times met with a lot of resistance in the 'real world'. Those of us who are unfortunate enough to have been a widow or widower not only have to deal with our partners troubles and addiction but we also have to deal with those who scorn us. They figure we should be able to sexy ourselves up, cook a favorite meal and all of a sudden our powers of seduction will kick in and all will be well.

They make fun of our suffering as if its nothing, and never even try to understand our position or where we might becoming from. They only wish that we'd shut up about it already and quit bemoaning our widowhood. The only thing I can think of is, that if, your spouse or partner sits on his ass for 16 hour days playing, ignoring everyone of their family responsibilities and sometimes work responsibilities perhaps then you'd understand. But if your spouse is the type to do that anyway and you enable them in that, perhaps its you, who I and other widows should be feeling sorry for. How frustrating must it be, to sit day after day and pretend your ok with the downhill direction your life must be going.

Then again, who am I to assume anything? Much the same as who are you to assume you know anything about a widow's life and anything she may or may not be bemoaning. Perhaps you could try patience and understanding next time instead of being miserable about it. Perhaps you could leave your assumptions at the door and instead be open minded. If its something that you know nothing about, here's an idea quit spouting off like you think you do.

You only once again make the world a narrow minded, prejudice filled place. We have enough of that already, do we really have to add more to the mix?

Musings

2008-08-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

You know as life moves forward a lot of thoughts run across my mind. I've been married for 2 years, going into year 3 and I find myself changing, sometimes almost daily. Of course at the core of me I am still the same. I hold the same value and morals, I still don't believe on giving up everything for your spouse. I don't mean moving or maybe considering other options but I mean giving up friends, the things you enjoy in life among them. There are so many things that are going on and they feel sometimes overwhelming but right I feel like I can handle anything.

Stress is a part of life, but since I've married I've changed a lot in how I handle it. I share with my husband the burdens I have sometimes, instead of feeling like I have to keep it all inside. I am also writing a lot more as in paper journal-ing which is a good thing. I'm feeling tired at the moment so I shall cut this short and update my livejournal instead :D

Short post

2008-08-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

This is just to tell anyone who stops by my blog, I don't know even anyone does besides AJ. Anyway I belong to a forum http://strong.forummotion.com - The Silent Ranks. One of the best ladies on the site (they're all great truth be told) has opened up a website rating military bases, all military bases by the way. None of this selective crap where its just Army, Marine Corps or Air Force. Also she has a million links (ok not a million but a lot) for different sites that are military related. Also there is so much information on her sites is absolutely amazing.

The link is http://www.amilitarylife.com/

Also if you are not military but you do have loved ones, or friends in the military there are neat links for carepackages and things to send so that also might be of some use to some. So for those of my friends who are military and don't know of this site go check it out!

When the good times are just memories....

2008-06-18T18:17:00.001-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Mostly about relationship and how we as humans all interact with each other. Honestly unless you are living under a rock, you interact with people all the time. Some of it warranted, and well others you'd just like to find a rusty spoon and poke out their eyes. That said, how is it in life we seem to go through so many friendships. Friendships happen at all stages of life, but mostly I've been thinking of past friends, the ones with the mileage and years under their belts. I have 2 friends whom I keep in regular contact with, that is mostly because we keep in contact with each other. Not one or the other doing all the labor of carrying the relationship so to speak. Yet, I find myself in friendships with people who are content to let me do all the messaging or letter writing.

This is what destroyed my relationship with Chris, well that and his psychotic bitch of a girlfriend. Its not that I didn't care about the friendship or him, its just that I got tired of carrying it. Yes, I can understand we all have busy days and we can't spend our lives on a computer though it would seem most do. We can't always been in contact but how hard is it to send someone an email once in awhile saying hello or a message if they're online? How hard is it to maintain a friendship so that it feels balanced instead of something that feels like its sucking you from the inside out.

Some friendships are just insidious like parasites and thankfully I'm no longer in any kind of friendship that way. But some friendships are just sometimes friendships and stuff like that I've got to think about what I want in my life and what kind of people I want in my life. That's not anything to anyone on my friend's list on Livejournal or anything. Though I'm sure some will take it that way. Its not. Its me thinking outloud. Which is something I rarely ever do. Why? Because people always take it the wrong way.

So for now this shall remain on my blog where people may or may not stumble across to read it. I hope though that if anyone does read this who doesn't know about this blogging site or my site as some of my friends already do, then don't take it to heart like i know you might. It doesn't mean I think any less of you it just means that sometimes you have to let go.

Every day

2008-06-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

This post will be more about every day things.

Like how my head is pounding and I want to rip out my eye balls.

But I don't. I'll either get over it or take something for it. Which ever happens first. I really hate it though when I'm feeling tired and cranky like this.

I just want to sleep but not time for it yet. Not for another 2 hours or so.

Last night was good sleep but plagued with weird dreams and such. I have more things I do want to post however I'm so tired and headachy i'm going to pass on it for now and come back and do it later.

A Friend

2008-06-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

Even though she does not know about this forum in which I blog, and even though a lot of people don't know about this forum for any of those who come across this blog today and in days to come please keep good will in your thoughts. In general, for the people you love or who you are going to love.

Everyone needs them, and while you may not know me or my friend to whom I am extending all of my strength to at this present moment may you touch them in the ways that you would want to touch others in your life.

Remember all we've got is each other.

*hugs*

Personal Responsibility

2008-06-05T05:59:00.000-07:00

What happened to it?

It seems the world, or people in the world don't have it anymore. For their actions or the things they say. Its kind of irritating.

I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm so not. I really am not. However I do try to take responsibility for my actions and not do really stupid things. It works for the most part. I just wish the world sometimes was going in a better direction then it seems to be going.

I'm also tired. And when i'm tired I get cranky. Its been known to happen. Anyway I should end this before I get into too much of a rant however I will update later :)

Happenings

2008-06-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in a month. I have been through 6 weeks of school/placement and passed! So in September I shall be on my way to completing my social work degree. I'm more excited then I thought I would be. I remember how I felt 3 years ago when I was struggling with the decision of whether or not I'd return to school in the fall and whether or not I wanted to. There were some obstacles in my way preventing my return to school and I look at them now as a blessing. It gave me the strength to say NO, I don't want to go back into my degree a year later I wanted to wait. Well I did wait. 3 years and it feels great to be going back into school under my own power let me tell you.

In the three years since I've been out of school I've been married for 2 of them. It has given me one of the best support systems ever. I love my husband so much and I can sometimes catch how it grows with each passing day. I mean, I just burst at the seams when he's holding me or when he's comforting me. It just....is so much yet so contained its amazing. I honestly thought I'd never get married yet here I am. Married life is great, however people keep hounding me to when we are having babies. We keep saying we'll let you know and we've talked about and decided next summer we're going to start TTC for those of you who don't have a clue what those letters stand for it means Trying To Conceive.

Its what we want and what we feel we are ready for. I'm looking forward to starting our family and I'm looking forward to being done school. By the time we're actually pregnant and the bebe is on the way we'll be out of the woods for me and school as I am aiming to be officially done by December '09 so that will be some motivation for me to keep it together for school and to concentrate really hard and get my ass in gear and do the work that I need to do. I also will have a year to be in better shape and in a better place physically.

One thing I have learned about babies and weight is that part of the reason when someone is heavy/overweight and they can't get pregnant is because their ovaries are basically to put it bluntly bathed in fat and it disrupts the natural flow of things. Also when someone who is heavier gets pregnant there are risks involved that are higher/can be more dangerous. I don't want that to be honest. These things i've learned I've done so for my own benefit. I'm just posting about them. You can learn/not learn whatever you want and what's right for you. I just want to be informed about the choices that I make. Which is why I've been reading so much.

One thing I have learned in the last 3 years is that weight can make a difference. I have friends who want to be pregnant but weight has been a factor in their success. I have had friends in the same boat as well. So I have decided that I am going to be a heck of a lot healthier then I am at the current moment. But on that same note to date I have lost approx 40 pounds since January of this year. so in 5 months basically, which is a healthy rate to lose at. I am also looking at cutting out refined sugars such as chocolate and all the things that are bad for me but I know it won't happen in one swift swoop.

What has spurred this sudden change besides the baby fever? Health really, I know i'm not sick and that I'm doing "fine" for the moment but I want to be doing great! I want to go for a checkup and have the doctor tell me dude you're doing awesome everything's ok instead of everything is within limits for your age. I don't want to end up like my grandmother was. Sick and unable to breathe without help. True her smoking seriously contributed to that later in life but when she was 'healthy' it was her weight that was the true factor in her laboured breathing.

My goal is to walk every day, to swim as much as possible, to get outside/outdoors as much as I can and to eat as healthy as I can. not to say I'm going to 100% perfect all the time but I'm going to try really hard. I know there will be some failings, that I won't eat perfect all the time but I'm sure as hell going to try. I have an awesome support in my husband even when I get super cranky and want something that's bad for me he sticks to his guns and tells me no and why I should choose something healthier.

I'm excited about our future and I'm excited about what's to come in my journey as I struggle with many things and losing weight at the same time. I know I can do this. I know I can I know I can I know I can.

Why?

2008-04-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

In life we all change, in small ways but the core of ourselves stay the same. For others this is not the case.

Does this mean that somehow those of us who remain the same over time are missing out on something or vice versa?

I'm not sure how to answer that, to be honest this all came up for me awhile ago when I had several friends change who they were. Not in small ways either, in the way that I no longer recognize them.

its very odd and should have further thoughts, but at the moment I'm tired and not in the mood to exactly be pondering such heavy questions. Maybe i'll have an answer in awhile.

Society...

2008-03-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

We live in a society where there are things that are socially acceptable and things that are not. However, mostly those that are acceptable are backwards. Let me explain.

A woman who is feeding her kids, via breastfeeding is somehow doing something dirty or exposing herself...yet we can go to a strip club, wear clothes that doesn't cover anything and this is acceptable. Why?

It shouldn't be, a woman who feeds her kids, or wears them...is natural. It is what we were made to do, not what we should have to ask permission for. If you see a woman who breastfeds and it disturbs you, look the other way, think about something different. You are allowing this to become a problem when it shouldn't.

When I have kids, yes I will breastfed, yes I will wear my children, yes I will cloth diaper, those are my decisions. They aren't for you to knock, they aren't for you to ridicule.

SO....keep your thoughts to yourself if you don't agree to something and can't be nice about it.

Having an opinion is one thing, having an opinion and deciding if no one agrees with you that they're wrong is something completely different.

Conquering your fear

2008-02-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a lot that we as humans are a afraid of. The unknown seems to be one of them. While some people can embrace the unknown and fly right through it, not all of us possess that special talent for doing so. Some of us, actually experience a great deal of anxiety when attempting something new. When it is all over and done with though we look back and wonder why were we ever afraid?

I think in part its society, not in the sense that people make you afraid but you're taught at an early age sometimes that new things = bad. Yes indeed though some things are bad. You shouldn't try drugs, you shouldn't smoke and certainly you shouldn't drink at an early age. But speaking on those subjects what is it that the world finds fanscinating on those subjects.

Growing up as a teenager it seemed everyone wanted to smoke, drink or do drugs and it was socially acceptable at least by your peers to do so. Why?

Smoking is linked to cancers, different lung diseases and generally makes you smell bad.
Alcohol impairs you, makes you 'drunk' and gives you the excuse that when you do things while drunk its really not your fault.
Drugs? Impair you and well in general are bad for you.

Is it an addictive personality that makes people suspectible to these? I really don't know.

Anyway, continuing on with conquering your fears. Last night I was swimming with my husband. I never dive, and I certainly dont dive off the diving board, or jump off the side in the deep end. Swim you betcha, diving? not so much. Last night however, was different. My husband for awhile has been trying to convince me to try diving/jumping in etc. Well last night I finally gave in and said ok.

I dove off the side, jumped off the diving board, and did it more the once. It was fun. it was liberating. It made me think I could do anything.

So in that vein, I'm going to try and conquer my fears a bit at a time. I know that some will be unsuccessful or i'll have to attempt many times, but I will get there. I know I can do it.

You know this venting thing is a good thing yes?

2008-02-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

So I'm not sure who knows, as of only 3 people know about this blog anyway but I'm not sure who knows that my husband is going to reenlist into the military service. He's making an effort to lose weight but not according to my mother.

It's not good enough. I have enough stress atm without her adding more, and she fails to see why I want to stay in halifax all summer long instead of coming home. Is it any wonder? I'm feeling frustrated, and needing to sleep but can't.

I would love for AJ to be online, but she's not right now :( I have missed talking to her the past 5 days that I was away and I want to talk to her now so I guess that will have to wait for a time when we're both online. Which might be tomorrow so YAY. Today when I was talking to her I was tired and so completely zonked.

I'm tired of having to deal with the BS that is my family. If you want to do one thing and no one else agrees I'm being difficult, or on purpose either or not really much of a difference. When I told her about getting married and we had tentatively set the date for August 2007 she drove me crazy. My plans for getting married were not good enough and if I disagreed with her on anything she made me feel guilty or screamed at me for it. Who wants that when getting married? Not me. That is part of the reason I eloped. Less stress to deal with.

I don't know how many times from December 2005 to March 2006 I heard if you don't do things this way I'm not coming to your wedding and other guilt trips. We originally wanted to be married in December, however had to change this because my mother was adamant that she was not going to the wedding if Krista could not be home for it. We changed around the dates 3 or 4 times before we said fuck it and opted for summer. She seriously tried to push for choosing our wedding date when we were doing it back in December. She made me feel guilty and horrible for wanting to get married in December.

It's been this way my entire life. If I do something differently I get criticized or made fun of. If I want things to be different in how I do something she finds something to nitpick or make fun of. It's like my idea of trying to do things more naturally or organic. I get made fun of, given a hard time all because I want to try to stop using so many damn products that have chemicals in them that are horrible a) for people b) the environment.

I'm tired of her knocking me down everytime its something she does not agree with. I'm seriously contemplating staying in Halifax until I'm done with school. I cannot handle being at home with her anymore then I have to be. I cannot handle being in school and under the constant stress of dealing with her.

Talking to her does not help. She just ends up talking over me, yelling and screaming at me, and telling me how much in basic terms 'suck'. You get tired of hearing that after awhile yanno? Is it any wonder I need therapy. Some days I can see where she's coming from on certain things, other days it just feels like i'm being attacked over and over again and no one is giving me a break. My husband can only do so much, she likes to point out how some things are none of his business when we're married, and it is his business.

I do love my mother, she can be a totally great person, but when she's feeling controlling like she seems to be most times here lately, it can be akin to be smothered in a way. Like tonight, she told us to go to bed and get straight to sleep. What are we 10? Perhaps I'm keeping awake out of pure defiance or maybe because I really cannot sleep.

I hate it when I can't sleep, but again my mother believes that my issues sleeping are all in my head and that I should have no trouble sleeping because she says so. I imagine if we all could do things on her 'say so' the world would be a completely different place. It's just frustrated to feel like nothing will ever change and mostly everything I do is 'wrong'.

I just want to feel ok for once and not stressed. Is that too much to ask?

People Suck...

2008-02-15T16:00:00.000-08:00

Yes they do.

You see I was away for the last 5 days and my father whose car I have been using as he has 2 vehicles had been lent to his ex who was suppose to give it back to me upon returning. Now, she knows this, dad told me this and yet I still have no car.

Why is that you ask? Well she says "I'll have to hear that from your father". Like things have changed that much in five days.

I'm beyond pissed. As much as i'd like not to complain about crap happening. There it is.

Childish and immature people are beyond me.

Religion, Politics and Babies...

2008-02-07T22:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right you read the title right! It's been on my mind lately and so this might seem like a somewhat jumbled post. I could make three individual posts but I really don't want to. I'm tired. Its 3 am and my brain is buzzing at this hour with thoughts that will not be quiet.

First up! Religion. This is the topic that we've all been taught not to bring up in front of friends, family...anywhere really. Why is that? Is it because it's somehow bad? No I don't think so. Mostly I think its because some people who are religious and believe their faith which is perfectly ok, cannot fathom that there are other people out there who have different experiences, religions and different things they believe in. It could be pagan, or buddhism, or judaism, it does not matter.

Somewhere along the line people got it into their heads that christianity is somehow the only religion that's going to save the world. I somehow doubt that. The world has existed many years without it and I believe it will exist many more years without it as well. That's not to say I think there's anything wrong with christianity I really don't. But I do not think condemning people because they do not follow your beliefs is right either. Nor is trying to force people to your way of thinking. What good is it if we all think alike?

Of course some will think this would be marvelous I however, think that's pretty ridiculous. We were given freedom of thought, we were given the choice to believe what it is that we want, so we should by common sense be able to express those viewpoints without being condemned for them. Following this train of thought when you come across the person whom very verbally express their love for God and all things Christian which again is fine that's not my issue, they are usually very rigid in their thinking. It is very hard to discuss something with a person when you say something that they instantly dismiss. It's like talking to a wall, actually I'm pretty sure you'd get more flexible thinking out of a wall sometimes.

Which is probably another reason that people think its a no-no to keep religion out of most discussions. Now, I will say I have met the exception that rule in most all of my friends and they all know who they are. Of course only one of them knows this journal exists...but i'm thinking it and i'm sure i've said itmore then once.

Next topic. Politics. This is another no-no unless you're somewhere in D.C and well a part of congress. I really do not care for party voting. I'm Canadian so it's slightly different within our system and the American one. Though I know much about both. I like looking at the individual. If Person A happens to be liberal but shows a good platform, has great ideas for change and seems like an all around good person then yes chances are I will vote for them. Same goes for those candidates who might be P.C Or N.D.P

I do not get when people sit around and criticize what government is doing, you are the people who put them into power because their colors were blue or red. You did not listen to ideas, you assume because they belong to a certain party then omg they must be the best. Wrong. You could not be more wrong. There are idiots in all political parties, it is not limited to just one or the other. You see them all the time in polictics and they keep getting voted back in to positions of power. Why? because again, people see the party colors.

When we had elections and our government once again was a majority of P.C voted in, I was talking to several people about it. I was astounded to realize how little these people actually knew of their candidates they had voted for. Again why? the reason was they were pc. so they voted that way.

Come on people! Again we were given a free choice to CHOOSE. We are not suppose to be sheep, blindly following someone because he or she wears a certain color. Don't complain about the government any job it may or may not be doing when you cannot even recite the issues at hand, or any of the platform ideas the person you voted had. Again it comes into play learning to listen and learning to actually learn.

Ideas are wonderful things, they are not evil and they are not somehow 'bad', knowledge is power. It is that power that can help you in the world, especially in today's world.

Third topic, babies. Yes this will also tie into a common theme with the other two issues mentioned above. My husband and I have decided we want kids. We have decided that when the time comes we want a homebirth, possibly a water birth. That we want to cloth diaper, breastfeed and wear our children and possibly cosleep. The common theme in that, is we. It is what we feel is best for us and our family. We want to have our children naturally if we can, we are not so naive to think that complications cannot arise. We realize this and are also prepared for this.

On that hand, it is what we want but it may not be what others want. That's fine. Again it is about choice. But do not call me a crazy hippie because I don't think C-Sections are RAD!!! or formula is best or if you want to fill up landfill with your kids disposable diapers. It's all about choices.

I choose to cloth diaper, to breastfeed and to have a possible homebirth if that works out. I choose to raise my child with love instead of violence, I choose to quite possibly homeschool. These are my choices. Respect them. Because no amount of name calling, or droning on about statistics about homebirths from the 1950's is going to change my mind. Do you think I make these decisions on a whim? No, I have not. I have for sometime been changing the way I do things in my life. Not only with what will happen when we have children. But now.

If you think about all three topics in light of what I have said, it all ties together. It all comes down to choice. You can choose to do one, or to learn one thing, you can choose to be openminded as opposed to being narrowminded. You can choose to see that choices are made by different people all over the world who are not going to hold the same beliefs as you. You can also choose how you respond to those people. It's all about the power of choice.

I do not condemn you for your life choices, do not condemn me for mine.

When to do what's right?

2008-01-29T20:57:00.000-08:00

When do we do what's right? Why do we do it? Is it because we're afraid that if we do not something will happen or because we were raised to be good moral individuals. If the latter is true, then why do people change when interacting with new people that have come into their lives.

I have several friends who have done this. They find a partner and all of a sudden its like they strive to be validated by this person by becoming a completely different person. Yes, when you meet someone new they do tend to change you somewhat or have an impact on the things you are doing. However, when does changing you somewhat become changing you so completely that friends you have had for years do not even recognize you.

Why do people do this? Are they so unhappy with themselves they think they have to change everything about themselves? is it that they are desparate to find love, happiness that they fake things in order to achieve? If that is the case, then are people deceiving themselves when they do this?

I am happy in my relationship and I have not changed who I am to be happy. I am still sarcastic at times, loving at times, overemotional at times. Who I am is who I'll probably always be in some way. Sure with time and maturity things change, but it shouldn't change for the sake of a person.

You need to learn how to be happy with yourself before you are happy with others, You cannot expect to have a fulfilling relationship if you are not fulfilled yourself. I'm not necessarily talking about one specific thing that may be fulfilling as I am sure it varies from instance to instance. I do not believe that we find fulfillment in a person, I believe that life gives us that, and the other person you share your life with enjoys the mutual satisfaction that comes when you know you have found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Fear

2008-01-21T18:17:00.000-08:00

Can be a crippling thing. I don't think people realize how much an event can change someone's life unless it happens to them. No I am not only talking about loss or criminal events that may happen I am talking about something as simply doing what society deems 'right'.

Today I have started conquering things that I have 'feared' in the past. It's time to speak up, do what's right and to stop people from pushing me around. If you knew me you'd think I'm not like that but in some cases I am. I need to start doing for myself more and to keep myself in line and worry about the things I've got going on.

I can no longer try to fix everyone's problems, I can listen and help if I can but no more can I overextend myself. I am concentrating on me, and fixing the things that need fixing.

Entitlement?

2008-01-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

What makes others think they're entitled to things and others are not? Are they raised this way? Is there something in their genetic code that says hmmm I think today I will think I'm better then anyone else?

Really boggles my mind. I was raised to make sure others were considered and that things were 'fair' but on the other hand we were also raised to think the world owes us nothing. Really it does not. We are not entitled to our jobs, we earn them. We are not entitled to our houses and computers and cars, we earn them. In the end, that saying holds true. The world does not owe you a damn thing.

Perhaps I'm jaded and I'm cynical. Or perhaps i've been too many times screwed over in situations because others think they're entitled. I really do not know. However I do know that I will not be pushed around anymore and there are certain things that I will not tolerate any longer.

My days of being nice are done, sure I will still show respect and I will still be mostly the same way I am now, however I will no longer shrug off people trying to push me around and I will not tolerate people doing it to others as well.

Today marks the first day of change. A change I will need if I want to survive in this world and get anywhere in it.

Start of something new?

2008-01-19T22:33:00.001-08:00

Not sure what this blog is going to be about, but I felt like a change and that it was time for something new. I may or may not tell people about this...

I'm still unsure...still undecided.

I do know that as my life progresses that I want a change from livejournal. Perhaps this really will be the start of something new. Only time will tell.

-Karla

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

*blows the dust off*

Haiti

Life or something like it

Why?

Frustrated

Life moves on

Twilight

Mental Health

Karma

Loss

Shallowness

Stress

Update

He's just not that into you

An AJ inspired post

Makes one wonder...

Cranky plus

Thoughts

Unfiltered

Politics

Military.

Refreshing

Gamer Widow

Musings

Short post

When the good times are just memories....

Every day

A Friend

Personal Responsibility

Happenings

Why?

Society...

Conquering your fear

You know this venting thing is a good thing yes?

People Suck...

Religion, Politics and Babies...

When to do what's right?

Fear

Entitlement?

Start of something new?

blows the dust off